It's been a while since I have been able to sit down and place all my thoughts collectively in a place I felt comfortable enough to do so.
I'm in the midst of a pretty bad depressive episode, for the past two weeks I've found myself really struggling to be motivated for anything at all.
If you know who I was when i was 18/19 years old, you would know that I am completely different now that I am almost 22 years old.
Many of you know me now days as what has been explained by others but not who I truly am, Many of you don't even give me the opportunity, sure why not I'm perceived to be this terrible person, Which I admit I have done some mean things in the past, But I am trying EVERY single day of my life to be a better person, not for anyone else's acceptance but my own.
If anyone understood what I have gone through since I have been born or what I have gone through in just the past almost 4 years, you would understand why I have this terrible temper which I myself hate, and have seeked therapy for since I was 8 years old.
The problem is, a lot of my trolls and stalkers which you see most of the hateful posts about me being said are from, know how to target my anger well enough and take out of context and exploit.
I do not apologize for standing up for myself, I do not apologize for being mean, rude or hateful towards the people who everyday wake up and try their hardest to exploit, hurt and ruin me.
I have had my trolls do terrible things to me that I don't speak up on until later because I rather deal with them myself in the moment than giving them the power to know its hurting me, Though doing this has caused deeper pain than I thought.
People posting my address, sending my mother photos of me nude getting me kicked out of my house, posting all of my families addresses all over the internet, sending people to my house, posting my address on craiglist saying I have free furniture so that I would be harassed all day until I got the post taken down. Harassing my members, my boyfriends, my friends. I lived in a hotel when i was 18 for two months while I was top 3 and 4 on mfc because my mother kicked me out because of the harassment they did to her. I lost my family, moved cross country, When I did move cross country they harassed my roomate into depression, she didnt feel safe, I didnt feel safe. in 2016 my house was broken into all my hard drives stolen, I cant even live in houses anymore because in apartments I feel safer with the address being put out there.
This isnt even a fraction of what these people have done to me, but many of you dont care enough to know why I am so defensive, why i close myself off, why i dont put up with bullshit, and why i cant stand people in the community who pretend to be my friend, many "friends" i had ended up just giving my trusted secrets to my trolls.
I have felt so alone, Like i cant trust anyone for almost 2 years now, I couldnt cam with out drinking, and now i cant cam with out drinking.
I'm struggling with the worst depression and I am honestly surprised I have been strong enough to make it this long.
My life is actually really great right now personally, my boyfriend is wonderful. My work life isnt that stressful but unfortunately depression really doesnt give a fuck. which actually makes me feel worst, I feel ungrateful currently because im always tired, because im crying constantly, even though my life seems to be going the best it has in a while.
Now i'm 100% sure my trolls are going to be talking shit about this post becaue they feel like they can mock depression just like whorenickles mocked it on cam a few years back and made fun of me for being depressed because thats the type of people they support and the type of people they are, they linger in the toxic and expect to be happy. I am not one of those people, I am trying every day to be a better person, every day to be happier, every day to spread positivity to those who deserve it.
Anyways if you have read this far thank you, I really dont have time to explain everything ive been through or to explain my actions nor do I want to because i know no one truly cares, I have been bullied and told they wouldnt stop until i slit my throat, It has been my goal to not give them that for 3 years and I dont plan on ending my life at anytime, but I am someone who struggles with depression because of the harassment I have been through, Now that I have grown a bit and been through it long enough I know how to handle it a little bit better but at the age of 18 and 19 with out any family or friends I was dealing with all of it alone and I did NOT know how to handle it and I really wish I handled it legally rather than with words or with my aggression, Now i know to always have a lawyer and to always have paperwork, It sucks it took this much of bullshit to finally get to where i am, I thought It would go away but it hasnt and I just dont think it will.
I suffer from PTSD from abuse, rape, and many more things and my side effects this past year have been extremely strong from this. I take time away from my work because unfortunately its a huge negative factor in my life sometimes, I know my worth but many people dont see my worth the same that I do.
I want to finish this vent off with a thank you .
Thank you all of the members who have supported me in anyway whole heartedly through my journey so far, I am the youngest miss MFC there has ever been, a top earner ever on the website. and I have lived one hell of a life so far, however money just doesnt fix all issues, my issues hinder me from making the money i used to and having the motivation i used to have.
I will still be here, I will still try my hardest every day to get out of bed, to work hard, and to make my supporters happy.
I have met amazing people because of this industry, but I have also seen the worst side of the industry.
I have tried my hardest to be the nicest person I can be even to people who have hurt me.
I love all those who are understanding of me and those who chose to stand by my side through all the negativity I go through, YOU are the reason I havent given in, You are the reason I wake up and try every day.
Just like the phases of the moon, some days we are empty and some days we are full. You will be at your greatest again and be brighter than you were before.